|
Couples and Money - The last Taboo Most people grow up in families where no
one talks about money. People may argue about money: He doesn't make enough or
she spends too much. However, there generally is no real education about what
role money plays in relationships. Very often children become adults having no
idea of how much money their parents have saved or what they earn. Talking about
money is taboo and people often become adults carrying irrational attitudes,
beliefs and anxieties about money or not knowing how to handle money. When they
later enter a coupled relationship, these anxieties generally
emerge.
ROLES
Boys are taught to earn money and serve as
providers- - to be the primary breadwinners. Some theorists believe that it is
through earning capacity that the husband receives a major portion of his
affirmation of success in life and vindicates his existence. For men, aspects of
independence, separation, and competition fostered in childhood become assets
for future endeavors with corporate America. However, it is possible that these
attributes possibly inhibit their emotional development. For many men, financial
distress exerts a powerful influence on how they experience their marriage
overall and how they interact with their wives because of the importance they
place on financial competence and success.money
On the other hand, girls are
socialized that the earning of money is a personal choice and often view money
as a reward, and/or as a haven for emotional security. For women, Money is
merely a small piece in the grander scheme of relationships and a medium for
purchasing goods and services. While they appear to be more confident in
expressing their feelings and concerns about money to their partners, they are
more deficit in terms of the competitive component of acquiring money.
So
then how is the relationship affected when wives make more money than husbands?
Tichenor (1999) examined marital power dynamics when wives earned more money
than their husbands, when they worked in higher status occupations. She explored
whether they were able to exercise more power when this occurred. She found that
they were not related. She concludes that power in relationships is more related
to gender than status and income. She then suggests how these couples do gender
that reinforce the husband's power.
THE EFFECT OF CHILDHOOD
Some
individuals strive to acquire money in hopes to compensate for its lack in
childhood, or remedy a shattered self-image and or substantiate a self-worth
that is dependent ion outside validation. If an individual is frugal with
earnings, hesitant to share his or her money with his or her mate, it can be a
reflection of his or her upbringing. For some, their childhood families could
have been deprived of resources and/or necessities. Or perhaps the mother spent
too much money and the father hoarded it or visa versa. Partners may feel
personally rejected, unloved, unwanted, or taken for granted when spending
becomes synonymous with affection and love. It is probably true that a person
who is withholding money is likely to be withholding feelings as well. At times
money can be used as a means of punishment toward a partner for not fulfilling
his or her affection needs.
The misuse of money in marriage can often be
the result of observing manipulative power plays between parents around money
issues. In turn, as an adult, the learned behavior may be used to manipulate
one's mate.
MONEY AND MARITAL SATISFACTION
Many individuals have a
problem relationships with money and when they enter marriage, money matters can
become a trigger for arguments.
Research appears to show that economic
attainment is correlated with marital satisfaction. Satisfaction with marriage
appears to increase with income and its mutual agreement regarding its
distribution. This then leads to increased spousal satisfaction. It is possible
that when partners are disappointed with the amount of money the couple has,
they find their entire relationship less satisfying.
It is reasonable to
suggest a correlation between money and power in marriage. Leiter (1991)
agrees.... " He who has the money has the power... he who controls the purse
controls the relationship (p. 79). The decision-maker position in a relationship
is often determined by the individual who earns the higher income (often the
male in heterosexual couples). This affects the balance of power, i. e. control
over allocation of personal spending money and access to joint money. The
relative income of each spouse can have consequential psychological and
pragmatic consequences on a relationship.
It can be said that the
ultimate test of a marriage comes when the wife is higher earner. Neither
husband nor wife likes to contemplate any change in the balance of power from
the traditional. In this case males may experience feelings of bitterness,
embarrassment, and jealousy when their mates' income exceeded their
own.
MONEY STYLES
Mellan (1999) states, If opposites don't attract
right off the bat, they create each other eventually. " (page 1). Generally
speaking, hoarders will marry spenders.
Two Spenders will fight over who
is the more super of the spenders. This forces the other into the hoarder role
because someone will have to set boundaries.
The Worrier and the Avoider
- Avoiders don't focus on the4 details of their money such as interest rates or
if there is enough money to buy something, they just spend. A worrier will turn
a mate into an avoider just to escape the avalanche of worry. And an avoider
will turn a mate into a worrier. Hoarders are usually worriers and avoiders are
usually the spenders.
The Planners. These are detail oriented and
dreamers who are the visionaries. Others who feel that money corrupts so it's
better not to have too much. The amassers accumulate money. They are not
hoarders. They invest to watch their money grow.
The longer the couple is
married, the more they lock into their polarized roles. Then they argue about
their differences.
Usually couples argue about what money represents.
Specific times when couples fight over money: tax time, when it is time to begin
a family, buying a house. Such as he wants to go on vacation and I want to save
for retirement.
GENDER DIFFERENCES
Rob Becker in his play,
Defending the Caveman, portrays men and hunters and women as gatherers. Men will
go out and buy a shirt and wear it until it dies. Only then will they go out and
kill another shirt. Women on the other hand gather... They will buy a present
for their mother's birthday and then another gift for their nephew. In addition,
men tend to see the world as hierarchical and competitive. In this view, there
is a winner and a loser... whereas women see the world as collaborative and
democratic and thus can be needy and vulnerable. These differences can lead to
problems between the genders regarding decisions concerning money. Men will buy
a car and women will say, Why didn't you consult me? I thought we were partners.
He will say, you aren't my mother. I don't have to ask your permission. Men are
socialized into believing that they are good with money while women are
socialized in believing that they are not. Confidence levels differ between the
genders. Men believe they are good with money whereas women do not even though
they both are rated as having the same knowledge about money. When men make
money in the stock market they credit themselves as being good investors. When
they lose money, they blame their advisors. When women make money in the stock
market they credit their advisors and when they lose money they blame
themselves.marketing
In relationships men want to merge the money yet maintain the
decision making around spending it. Women want to keep at least some of the
money separate. Men are trained to believe that money equal power. Power and
control are not compatible with intimacy. Relationships that are successful are
when partners are willing to show each other their
vulnerabilities.
Straight can be seen as a symbol of value, control,
security, status, success, independence, trust, guilt, indifference, envy,
desire, comfort, authority, power, and freedom. It is an essential ingredient in
the survival of individuals in the market economy. Strong and serious pressures
and placed on relationships by the economic system of the united
states.
Money is so vital a constituent in the social interaction
process. It functions as a means to communicate the values of each individual to
his or her significant other. Money often carries a connotation that is
synonymous with love. Giving to one another in the form of gifts is commonly
perceived as a symbol of affection, or metaphor for love. Personal relationships
with money affects all other relationships. Money influences humans in that it
can serve to make people happy or miserable, bring people closer or create
distance, make us altruistic or selfish.
MONEY AS METAPHOR
The
present author believes that metaphors might be a useful way to move out of the
couple's verbalized content andinto the process of the relationship.
In
many couple relationships, money is more taboo than sex. Couples are more likely
to discuss their prior sex lives than their history of money. Discussions of
money generally are not topics for discussion in first marriages although are
becoming increasingly more important in second marriages. Many therapists
believe that beliefs and expectations about money should be topics of discussion
before marriage. Couples may decide whether they want to spend the rest of their
lives together based on financial attitudes and aspirations. Marriage is an
economic union as well as a social union. America society stipulates that people
should marry for love and not money. Money generally means something different
to each spouse. A couple's economic planning and activities before marriage
generally affect the financial partnership they form after
marriage.
Money can't buy happiness. Money is the root of all
evil. A penny saved is a penny earned. Money makes the world go
'round. Save your pennies for a rainy day. Mo' Money. A fool and his
money are soon parted. You can't take it with you. Render unto
Caesar... A penny for your thoughts. Money can't buy me love. Money used
as competition in a marriage.
Money used as equivalent for love and often
serves as a payment or substitute for attention and affection. Relatives suing
each other over wills divorces. Hard to know whether people stay attached for
love or money.
In many relationships money is highly regulated. In the
corporate world there are elaborate contracts protecting individuals' money. No
such regulation of money occurs within the family, primarily because we view the
family as a trusting warm loving place. Risk futures on the idea that blood is
thicker than water. Just bringing up money brings an ugliness into the
discussion that smacks of mistrust and lack of good feeling. We know about the
injustices that occur frequently in divorce. Very little is known how money is
shared, divided or used in families and with what circumstances. Explicit and
implicit rules about money. Historically there have been clear guidelines and
rules, i. e. dowries, bride prices, primogeniture, the transfer of property from
one generation to another. These arrangements were not left to chance or to the
judgment of individual families because in these cases, the structure of society
was tied to the way people dealt with money.
In the days of old the
economic basis of marriage was made explicit... now it has been replaced by
romantic love.
The middle class appears to be more affected by this than
the upper class who have more clearly defined ways of protecting vested
interests and maintaining status and position, not spoiling children, giving
them too much when young, spend only the interest not touch the principal so can
be handed down. Aside from state laws that regulate divorce and wills, there is
very little intrusion into how families handle money. Principal of children
should be given equal amounts regardless of needs. Maybe there was a need to
regulate usage of money because there really wasn't much at stake. There is also
an ethos of autonomy and when money is earned by individual achievement there is
a lack of wanting to impose social or group norms and rules on it.
Now
however, there is the post war boom and money being passed down to baby boomers
in terms of accumulated money from houses and stocks etc. So that for the first
time in the middle class there will be a substantial amount of money transferred
to children through inheritance.
This study explores the relation between
love and money and how often there are negative consequences when they can't be
disentangled. It is further difficult because of the compound problem of
separating financial decisions from emotional ones.
As both Shakespeare
and Marx have noted, an ugly man with money can buy himself a beautiful woman
and therefore not suffer the consequences of being ugly. For intents and
purposes, he is not ugly- money gives him a different face. Money, being the
ultimate measure of value, winds up creating reality.
Money often becomes
the ultimate measure of worth and the primary determinant of identity. Money is
a primary source of power in relationships. Without it we are dependent/ Having
money enables us to control other people, or to be rid of them and it allows
others to be free of us. Money can be an adhesive- - gluing marriages together
that otherwise would not have lasted. When you don't have enough money to get a
divorce or to free yourself of your partner, you have to make the best of
things. How many nightmarish stories of "live-in divorces" do we hear where
couples have lived together in exceedingly estranged circumstances because they
did not want to share the family "money. "
Putting your money where your
mouth is. Dollar wise and penny foolish. Spending money like a drunken
sailor.
When market researchers investigate our spending habits,
expenditures they are not only assessing the relationship between income and
expenditures.... they are seeking the connection between self image and what
people will spend their money on. We don't just own our possessions; they own
us.
In wills, the way people disperse money can even control. Money is
used to control children, punish estranged spouses, measure a person's true
feelings, buy freedom from relationships, or stop a partner from
leaving.training
Lionel Trilling described how money can take over, invading
spaces it wasn't supposed to reach. "Money is both real and not real, like a
spook. We invented money ad we use it, yet we cannot either understand its laws
or control its actions. It has a life of its own which it properly should not
have; Karl Marx speaks with a kind of horror of its indecent power to reproduce,
as if he says love were working in its body.
For those of you who are
interested in couples and their relationship to money, please take the following
survey. If you are interested, you will be provided with results if you wish.
The entire survey is completely anonymous and all answers are confidential.
|